Making decisions is very difficult. Take for example Jonathan Safran Foer making the very big decision to leave his wife for Natalie Portman. He did this without actually checking to see if Natalie thought this was a good idea, or in fact wanted anything to do with him IRL, or was at all in love with him. His decision was largely based on partaking – for a very long time – in the most pretentious and embarrassing email relationship the world has ever had the misfortune to have available on the interweb.
'It’s almost 6:00 in the morning. The boys are still asleep. I can hear the guinea pigs stirring, but that might be the residue of a nightmare. People often refer to aloneness and writer’s block as the two great challenges of being a novelist. In fact, the hardest part is having to care for guinea pigs.'
I can understand falling in love with someone based on their emails to you. Even just their text messages are usually enough for me. But you have to check with them before you leave your husband. If say, you have been listening to True Love Waits, and then someone buys you a packet of crisps and a lollipop, this does not necessarily mean they are in love with you. It could be inadvertent. They could maybe not have ever even listened to the song. Foer did not take this into account enough when trying to extract the subtext from Portman's embarrassing main text.
Britain had to make a big decision recently, and chose to do this by referendum. This was very silly. Many people are uninformed and irrational (to be polite about it). Often I decide I would like to go and live somewhere else. I usually decide I would like to go back to England, and live in London. The Brexit decision, however bad the methodology, has helped me a little, because I, along with many other foreigners, skilled or unskilled, are now thinking about crossing England off their lists of places to go and live in. All over the world, good and useful people who might have gone to live in England are reconsidering. Their lists of '...but on the Plus Side...' and 'on the Minus Side' are being altered.
Making plus and minus lists are what rational people have always urged me to do, when making decisions. They say, "You can't think about say, the question: 'Would I prefer to cuddle up to Boris or Jacob, or even Theresa?' You can't try to see into the future. You don't understand economics very well, nor politics. You can't rely on all the foreigners living in Durban saying, 'this is Paradise, I don't ever want to leave', because they can always go back to their R24 zillion bachelor flats in Clerkenwell." They say, "You have to think rationally and properly about what it will be like to live in that place every day."
So sometimes I listen to them, and I compare, very neatly and rationally, the every day experiences I would have in each place, to help me decide. Every day experiences though, are very complex. So if you are going to use this method, you have to divide the main topic into subtopics. So say, for today, we choose the topic of Animals I Would See Every Day. Then tomorrow, we can choose, People I See in Coffee Shops Every Day. Choosing Animals I Would See Every Day, is partly inspired by Foer's reference to guinea pigs in his emails, but only partly.
Every Day Animals
1. Snakes
You might say it is not fair to include snakes, because I do not see snakes every day in Durban. This is true. But I know there are snakes in my garden. There has even been a snake in my laundry cupboard and in my kitchen. There has been a python snuggling up to a goat in my electrician's car parked outside my house while he fixed my plug points. So snakes can be counted. I really hate snakes. I would never ever touch one. So you would think London (no snakes) gets the point, but this is a complex game. Snakes are hilarious in that they give you a fright. Watching someone get a fright is brilliant and thinking about them getting a fright can cheer you up for days. I know, for example, there is a snake living in the tree just where our gate is. I know this because sometimes the dogs run along next to this tree causing it to wobble and the snake to fall out. Once, under these conditions, the snake has fallen on me, and I did get a huge fright, and once it fell on a nine-year old child. Luckily this child was wearing a wide-brimmed cricket hat. The memory of this is a treasure to me. And one could make a really popular Vlog about it and become a YouTube zillionaire.
2. Cats
Much of a muchness really. Except: you do get genet cats in Durban. They live just up the road. I have seen one walking in the courtyard, right here. There are leopards about. Robynne and I thought we saw a leopard the other day while on a casual stroll in the mountains. We decided to creep until we were 'downwind'. It turned out to be a wildebeest and didn't mean us any harm. Domestically, cats in England win, because they keep you warm in winter.
3. Ducks and Swans
This holiday Al said he was very upset because he saw a duck rape in Kimberley. He said the raping duck was holding the head and beak of the other duck under the water for a very long time, and it wasn't very nice. South Africa has the highest rape statistics in the world. I'm not sure of the statistics on ducks, but no one has ever told me about witnessing so terrible a scene in England. I love swans, but all swans in England belong to the Queen.
4. Dogs
Many South African dogs are scary. Many are racist. My daughter and my sister and at least five of my friends have been bitten by dogs, just out on casual strolls around the neighbourhood. Pitbulls are banned in England and are not banned in South Africa. People here regard them as 'misunderstood'. The only bad thing about dogs in London is many owners force them to wear crocheted jackets in the park.
5. Sharks
Refer to the paragraph above on snakes. You know they are there. They could give you a fright. Does this spoil or enhance the enjoyment of your every day evening swim in the warm, soothing Indian Ocean or should London get the point? Oh wait a minute...
6. Hedgehogs (and other Beatrix Potter creatures) versus Porcupines
Both are very cute as youngsters. Porcupines are more dangerous on account of their very spiky quills, but then again, quills are very useful for poking bored and moaning children, and keeping them occupied on long hikes; and also useful in ceramics classes for making textures and holes.
7. Insects
Do you prefer the sound of traffic, or the sound of buzzing and chirping? Neither places are silent, you can forget about that. Remember if you choose buzzing and chirping as your daily lullaby, you might also get biting and itching.
6. Monkeys versus Foxes
Monkeys are hilarious and totally my favourite every day animal in Durban, even though they steal my bananas and the toothpaste all the time. But I also love foxes very much, especially the ones in London. Its always such a nice surprise to see one. A good fright. They are the underbelly. I also love snow.
BUT I have found Londoners on the whole don't like foxes and they get annoyed when it snows. So would I manage to re-integrate after a decade of being away? I am not sure.
Has this been a useful exercise? No. Is there a good way to make a decision? No. When I told John about my idea for this blog, he didn't say a word. He just shook his head and carried on reading the newspaper. Should I have listened to him? Yes.