Sometimes you are just working away on an average Wednesday and then your friend sends you a text. A text that makes you very happy. Or sometimes a text that makes you realise you have to retract everything you categorically said last time. Sometimes both these emotions are elicited simultaneously, within a few short words. That may seem oxymoronic but it is in fact a facet of any strong and proper friendship. Take for example this text I got this week from my friend Greg: “I am in a Tolkien themed hotel in Bloemfontein called Hobbit Hotel.” And then some lovely pictures. “It is making me nostalgic”. And “It is a story of hope and friendship”.
So I read up about this Hobbit Hotel, but I already knew in my very soul that I wanted to go there. Despite what I had previously decided about Theme Hotels. I knew I would have to issue a retraction, or at least an exception.
This is the place where his majesty JRR Tolkien was born. David Smith (The Guardian) described it thus: “Although each of the 12 rooms draws on the Tolkien universe, don't expect Gandalf and Gollum salt and pepper pots. The chandelier, blue and white crockery, fireplaces with bellows, framed illustrations of butterflies and flowers, pendulum clocks, wood cabinets and mantelpiece decorated with golden angels are quaint but not necessarily Middle-earth. "I'd almost say we're borderline Elizabethan," said the manager, Obakeng Marintlhwane.”
At this hotel you could stay in Arwen’s room, or Galadriel’s even. Greg says he would prefer Gimli: we all have our favourites. Perhaps best to just stick with the hobbits. Hobbits are great. As most people know their favourite colours are green and yellow; and they have hairy feet and slightly pointy ears; are a little bit taller than a table; they like farming and they love eating –especially plain food like potatoes. But there is so much more to hobbits. They, like Snow White from the last instalment, have to come of age (when they turn 33), and dwarves are among those who help them.
So if you are in a Hobbit Theme Hotel, it is not necessarily going to be all shire, shire, shire. Perhaps Shagrat is the Butler. Perhaps Sauron is the night manager. I said to Greg “are there any Orcs or Belrog Demons at the hobbit hotel? He said, “Not yet”. So you are still in danger of thinking about scary things. One of Greg’s friends was put in Gollum’s room. Psycho-terror. You might stop thinking bucolic thoughts if you were in Gollum’s room. You might start instead thinking about Mount Doom or even Mordor. Then you will have to face the Black Riders. These guys are the worst. They never look you in the eye because they actually have no faces. And they wear capes. And they have such terrible breath you just die if you get within metres of them. And if the second-hand halitosis doesn’t get you, they can pierce you with a morgul-blade that will inflict a wound that will never properly heal. You will meet these guys IRL and it will be difficult to recover.
Then there are Orcs. And we all know what it is like to face a creature so so ugly and mean. With basically not one redeeming feature. And scary poppy out eyes. Always angry. Deeply hateful of everyone and everything. Hobbits don’t like to kill things and yet they have to face Orcs. Hobbits are compassionate and fun-loving. They would much rather be in the shire growing things. But they have to learn. They can’t think to themselves, as they would like to, “Oh shame, poor Orc, what a burden having no lips and such dramatically rough and also sensitive skin. And the horrible way you were born, with no loving parents. No wonder you are so cross and full of unforgiving vengeance. But you can’t feel sorry for Orcs. Even though they have to basically stay underground, living in shadow, where there is no sun and yet it is so hot. Where it is just work work work and obey these Black Riders all day.
Because if you even hesitate for one second to feel sorry for Orcs, your head will soon be separated from your body and wobbling on a stick. And your bleeding heart will have been cut out of your chest and eaten up for breakfast.
That will definitely happen. And these are only a few of the terrible and frightening lessons for hobbits to learn on their way to Mordor and back.
But then there are the lovely bits. The bits that make it all worth it. When, in life, Galadriel gives you the Light of Eårendil, the brightest of stars to carry with you. Then you can fend off any spiders. And, she gives you a cloak to hide in. Or when someone as beautiful as Arwen, picks you up and puts you on her horse and then says to anyone giving you any trouble “If you want him, come and get him”. And then she washes away all your terrifying troubles in a pouring river. She, who in fact might love you so much that she gives you a pendant containing the Light of the Sun. And then later on, on top of that, gives up her immortality! Amazing! And Sam, no words of mine could describe the kind of devoted friend we have in Sam.
I could go on and on and on about these beautiful stories. About Aragorn and Gandalf and about friendship and hope. And getting to Valinor in the end, but you know them all as well as I do. But on an average Wednesday and more generally in the day-to-day, we do forget. So go to Bloemfontein and stay at Hobbit House. A very good idea for a Theme Hotel.
