Dear Dan,
I decided to write you a letter to say thank you for having me to stay in your house in Cape Town. I decided to put it on Social Media because I know that right now, what you have probably done is say to your mum: “Mum I really need to do some very important research about Katydids and what they like to eat.” Or some other dubious insect. And you will say: “You have to give me your phone.” Then you will find out a little bit about Katydids but then you will think, it will help me to concentrate if I listen to Panic! at the Disco at the same time, and then somehow that will make you start looking at very ugly rocks that people have drawn faces onto and think I wish Jess was here to show me how to use Photoshop to put that rock face onto Thomas the Tank Engine. And then you will think, I wonder what Jess is doing right now? No doubt something like that. And then you will go to Instagram and find me thinking about you and writing this letter. How wonderful.
Some people find concentrating on one thing quite hard and that’s totally fine. Like today I was doing some research. Not about Katydids, but about Calder Mobiles. This is for a very important design job I am doing. So I went to #caldermobiles on Instagram and amazingly Wentworth Miller had posted a very nice picture of a Calder Mobile that he likes and so then I started looking at his account, which is called wentworthmillerselfcarequotes. And I remembered just exactly why I was so in love with him in the first Season of Prison Break and so that was a very nice part of my day. And then I remembered that when my friend Richard died, I sent the first season of Prison Break to his sister Helen who was very very sad and she said, it was a very useful way of forgetting for a few hours. So Wentworth helped her too. And I remembered that Wentworth himself was a bit sad and spoke about suicide sometimes so I felt glad that he was hash tagging self-care and sharing it for us all to look at and feel better.
Of course you have to be a little be wary of going down too many rabbit-holes on Facebook and you must guard against narcissism. If you feel surges of envy as you scroll through the pages of other people’s lives, stop straight away and go directly to a psychologist. Because envy will quickly turn you into an asshole and then you won’t have any friends. And friends are what makes life worth living.
If you find yourself looking at someone’s photo of themselves and their cute family at the top of a mountain, and you think, look at them showing off about climbing a mountain. Take yourself back to the psychologist and say please teach me how to not be envious and also to not make assumptions. Because perhaps they are all enormously sad because the mum and dad are about to get divorced or maybe the dad is sick or the dog has just died and they were posting the picture to remind themselves of a day when everyone was happy. It really does work to stick your chin up and smile at yourself in the mirror in the mornings, or for the camera on top of a mountain. There is a distinct move back to a Behaviourist model to help people get through the day.
But I don’t think there is too much danger of you becoming an asshole, because the first thing I noticed when I got to your house was that on the door of my room was a sign that said: Dan’s Massages R100. And so I immediately knew you had empathy. That you know how hard it is for people who come to stay and are trying to work but the mountain is just there shining in from every window. And the Common with all the pretty flowers and the people walking poodles is just round the corner. And trying to take your dog Coco for a walk is pretty taxing too, because as you know she refuses to turn right, only left. And so you might find yourself walking for hours and never being able to get home and then you might miss your deadline because you were actually commissioned to draw a picture of Medusa, but instead you were walking in circles.
And speaking of Medusa I wasn’t really upset when you said if I had snakes for hair it would be an improvement. Because I had been teasing you about how Dawn the waitress loved you so much she gave us all that free cheese and quite a lot of extra wine. So I probably deserved it. And I was even thinking of saying to my hairdresser, “Snakes please” next time I go there. I must say I don't know another nine-year-old who knows all the myths so well. Even the difference between the ancient version of Medusa versus the Ovid version, versus Fry, versus Jackson. And you helped me position the sword in the picture correctly into her heart, because of that lustful dickhead Poseidon and jealous Athena, not because she was born a monster.
So don’t let your grumpy old teacher say, Dan you will fail the year, if you don’t do this or that. Because I can see that you know which stories in life are important. I suppose it depends where your sympathies lie really, with the Gods, or with the mortals. Because having a classical education won’t necessarily guard you against turning into an asshole. I think it actually can make your a worse one, like Boris Johnson.
Anyway, I miss you buddy and I can’t wait for you to come and visit me in Durban. I really hope your teacher liked your Katydid poster. Because I know she can be a bit mean. if she says: “Dan why have you done the background of your project on Katydids in Rainbow colours? Because that is not strictly the environment that Katydids live in.” Then just say politely something like: “Well it looks amazing or that’s what their environment looks like to me, or have you forgotten to put on your glasses?”